On the ninth day of being in Panama my atoms disassembled. Not severely, or irrevocably. But there was a molecular quivering for sure. We were in Santa Fe, a small mountain town at the end of a road. Literally. If you want to keep going in an attempt to get to the Caribbean side of Panama, good luck. We were in bed in this clean, but spare and stark, cement block room in the Santa Fe Hotel. Actually, in the states we would call it - by its arrangement - a motel. In the midst of the tropical plushlush that is Panama. And I couldn't sleep. Absolutely no way possible couldn't. And that's when it happened. I spent until dawn trying to convince my atoms to hold onto their "Celeste" form. The next morning, Normando asked me how I'd slept. I said, "I didn't. My atoms were disassembling." He was quiet for awhile. Then he asked, "How are you know?" I said, "I'm still trying to keep them assembled." He was quiet again. Then he said, "I don't think I really understand what you are talking about." So then I explained about the Bill Bryson book, "A short history of everything"......
Truthfully, I think I hit the wall of being out of my (geographical/cultural) familiar zone. It was a discomfort of huge magnitude. A desire to be "home" (whatever that means, and it is a concept I struggle with...) but I didn't want things to be strange anymore.
I wrote: "So what is my atomic structure? Are my atoms rearranging between solid and liquid states? In which case its merely the spaces between the electrons and the speed at which the vibrations are occuring. If the solid state (secure, at home, knowing where I'm at, what's up) is at the speed of the vibration (slowest) and the atoms/molecules are compact. But something is happening that is speeding up the vibration, and there is more space between the molecules and I am afraid that I am about to move into an evaporative state? and thus the apprehension?
A week later. After I got home. Breakfast with Jennifer. She was telling me about Dali's Assumption of Mary. Dali's explanation for her ability to transcend the physical to get to heaven, was that her molecules began to quiver at a high speed and then she just molecularly exploded into the state of heaven.
